Staying sane is not the same

You wake up in the morning, looking at your ceiling wondering if today is going to be the same as yesterday, or worse. You do not have the energy to think brighter than staying alive and surviving the day. Your body is trying not to give up on you and every muscle is screaming with pain. It is not any tangible pain. it is nothing you can put your fingers on, but still, you can feel it with every cell you have got.

"We are in this together" you read this everywhere! how can they be with me? I am here, scrambled in my own bubble. Fighting to stay afloat. "You are not alone. We are here for you." You hear them say, you read their replies to your bleeding, needy comments. They are sincere, you can tell. They truly care about you, but you can't help but think- "how are we in this together? these people do not know me... even if they do, they do not know what I am going through and no matter how much I try to tell them how it is, it will not be the same as living it. They probably live with their families, they will never understand how it is to be totally alone. Lost."

You fail to put your feet in their shoes, you try to be objective but, your brain is too tired to even try. You want to be selfish, it is time to consider yourself a bit and not the others. "No, we are not in this together!" you read another post. You are confused, you thought they are trying to help you. Yes, you did have your own skeptical comments about their support, but you never thought they will echo it so loudly. "Why are they throwing it on my face like that!" you think. Every other post relates to you. Every piece of news enter your brain and refuse to leave.

You are longing for your life to come back. For your loved ones to be near, "enjoy the little things" you read that somewhere and you make it pass right through, without the slightest attention. Motivational posts do not concern you anymore, pep talk is outdated for you, and any positive vibe is too shallow for your being. You are realistic and reality gives you all the reasons to lose your sanity, to lose your balance, and to break your control.

Your mind is eager to control you even more. It is the perfect time for it to claim you as its territory - after all, you are rolling in your own rollercoaster of emotions. Far away, you hear your life calling you but you can't reach it. Anyone who comes near you can feel how your aura is bleeding. You need help, you go out there to find it but nothing is filling the void you feel is getting bigger with each passing day. Your insecurities come screaming at you. They have been buried for so long, you were distracted, but now that you are not, they chose to surface and keep you company.

"Stay sane." is not the easiest virtue anymore. When everything is screaming for you to lose control, your battle becomes greater and surviving becomes harder. This is not you being "negative" or a "pessimist". You are just trying to understand your own mind. What is it your mind wants from you? you make the decision to ignore it, but it keeps knocking on your doors every second of the day. You can't escape your own mind.

There is no right way to feel, right now. Be okay with whichever feeling you have got. Feel what you need to feel. No one can judge you or tell you how to feel. All these coaching courses, mental health help, and support groups can do nothing to you unless you are setting your mind to accept their energy. But, if you woke up this morning determined that today will be the exact same as yesterday, nothing will ever change to you.

Stay sane, or loose control. It is up to you. We are not in this together, you are in it on your own. Save yourself or let it sink... your choice.
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